18 – No Car

27 Jun

I was lured back onto Match.com after a succession of sleepless nights, sexless days, and a yearning to never end up like the spinster who teaches in the room next door to mine.  I set up a new profile with new and improved pictures.  I found a discount code online (because I refused to pay full-price) and gave myself one month.

Within the first couple of days, I received an email from an adorable, late twenties-something young man.  He started off his communication by telling me how gorgeous I am (compliments will get him everywhere) and then by telling me how he has a job, but no car. Immediately, I placed him in the “Good Time Charlie” (read: SEX) box.  My philosophy is that if I can go out into the world and provide, for myself, all of the material things I need to make life work…then why shouldn’t I expect the same from my partner?

So “Good Time Charlie” it is for Mr. No Car!

We made it through all of the emails, and eventually graduated to texts and phone calls.  After corresponding with him enough times, I realized that he is an intelligent guy.  I wanted to meet him…and I hinted at it…then blatantly asked him out.  Although I would have had to pick him up, it didn’t bother me.  Well…he didn’t seem enthused with the prospect of leaving his apartment.

The way we finally met face-to-face was all my doing…I asked him if it would okay if I stopped by his place and said hello.  I told him that I didn’t want to come inside his apartment, and that he could just come down to my car and we could talk outside.  He was cool with that.

What I saw was a super-skinny guy who smelled of a cigarette/marijuana mix, couldn’t be bothered to lotion his ashy-ass skin, and had neighbors with way too many children and vicious Pit Bulls.



17 – They Have Options

21 Oct


Today, my co-workers called me and told me to meet them at this sushi restaurant they frequent.  I thought it was a GREAT idea after the long day of NOTHING that I had accomplished!  LOL!  As soon as I walked in, I noticed the hot guy sitting at the table with my friends…but my girlfriends dance to their own beat…so I knew if I asked directly, “Who’s the hotness sitting at the table,” I would not receive a straight-forward answer.

So I start telling them about how, on my way over, I was pulled over by a cop whose main objective was heavy flirtation.  The cop was cute, smart, and extremely sarcastic-funny…I totally would have given him my number had he asked.  Although now, in hindsight, I’m realizing I probably should have given him mine!  My girls were laughing at the story, and Mystery Hottie smiled as well.  Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.

Me (to Hottie): Who are you?

Hottie: I’m Damon.

Me (to girls): Did he come with you guys?

Girls: No…we just made him sit with us.

Damon (laughingly): I was hijacked.

Me: Wow! Interesting!

Damon (to me): You know, you are absolutely beautiful! They didn’t tell me that!

I blushed profusely.  It has been a long time since a man has told me that…so straightforwardly.  I, of course, said “Thank you.”  I also assumed that his comment meant that he would possibly ask me for my phone number before departing.  We were sitting across from one another, so I asked a few questions…the obligatory Where are you from? How long have you lived here? Family?…blahblahblah…

When he left, he did not ask for my number…and, boy, was I disappointed!  I couldn’t figure it out.  My girlfriends said that I should have asked to hold his phone, and then typed my number in the phone…She’s says that always works for her.  I guess I’m going to have to abandon my old fashioned views about If he’s interested then he will let you know, and become more aggressive…?

Our waiter, who was re-named “James” by one of my girlfriends, engaged us in conversation after Hottie left (the restaurant was slow and my friends were harassing/flirting with him).  James is 30, a college graduate, no kids, a girlfriend, and has aspirations of opening his own recording studio.  I asked James, “Why do you think Hottie didn’t ask me for my number?”

James’ response:

“In this city, successful black men are in high demand.  A man who dresses well, has his own place to live, transportation, job, etc. is highly sought after…and he knows it.  Here, men have options.  Men don’t have to get the number of a “pretty girl” just because she seems to want him to have it, because here, a pretty girl is a dime a dozen. I noticed his body language toward you, and I could see that he was attracted to you…but you never know what other options he had for the evening.”

“By noon, I may have had three offers from three different women, for sex.  I used to date doctors and lawyers because they were attracted to me because of my credentials on paper.  I chose the girl I’m with now, over the doctors and lawyers, because she liked me for me…and also because I was READY and WANTED to stop fucking around and be with ONE person.  It’s all about where we are in our lives when you women meet us.”

Kismet!  A perfect stranger professed what I expected, without even knowing what I have always thought about the state of African-American male/female relationships.  I say African-American male/female relationships because I can’t speak for other races/ethnicities.  What I can say is, that as an African-American female, finding a mate with the same credentials I bring to the table is extremely difficult.  More Black males are incarcerated than in universities.  Less Black males finish college than Black females…I teach high school…I know what I’m talking about.  And no, I’m not opposed to dating outside my race…it’s just that the opportunity hasn’t presented itself.

So…folks…how is it where you live?  Do men have all the options in your city as well?

16 – Allow Me to Dig Deep within my Bag O’ Bullshit…

18 Oct

BS bag

Today’s bag o’ bullshit is filled with the degrading tales men tell!

It’s degrading to perpetually text a man, asking him to come over and have sex, and he makes excuses like “I’m at the recording studio”[1] or “I’m just getting your text.  I was sleeping.  On my way to work now.”[2] And it’s even more disconcerting when you confront said fucktard by telling him that you “get it,” and you can see he was only in it for a one-timer…and he replies with “That’s not it at all!  I never got your texts because I was sleeping.”  WTF?  Why can’t men just be honest when you bring the honesty to them first?  FUCKIN A!

It’s degrading for an old time flame of nine years ago, to find you on Facbook, call you and say “We should get together for drinks sometime!”  Then, he calls…two weeks later…on a Friday night…at 6:30pm.  After-thought much?  Yeah…I didn’t answer that.  I texted him today (Sunday) with something light like “That’s what’s wrong with people today!  They call and don’t leave messages!  LOL!”  He responds with, “I figured if you wanted to talk to me you would.”  I told him that I was out when he called.  He said, “I just wanted to see if you wanted to have a drink that day…you know I will keep showing you love.”  UGH!  Annoying!  Annoying for these reasons (1) I am not important enough to PLAN an outing with, (2) He didn’t leave a fucking message, (3) He could have made plans with me when I texted him today…I am an obvious after-thought.  Why bother?!  Newsflash buddy…you’re not cute enough to do shit like that AND you’re dick ain’t big enough for you to call spur of the moment! …I know it didn’t grow any bigger over the past eight years!!!!

It’s also degrading to have your lover/FWB of three years ask you to (1) drive him to the airport so he can go on a cruise with another woman, (2) allow him to leave his work car at your place while he’s away on said cruise, (3) go to his place and check on his two cats because they get lonely, (4) to text you that he’s back in town but not come collect all the shit he’s left at your place because some woman has driven back with him from Miami and he doesn’t want the two of you to meet,[3] and (5) him giving you a “Thank you” card for “being such a great FRIEND!”  LOL!  So, I guess the writing is on the wall…and in the card…whatever we were, ain’t no more!

Okay…I’m done for now; Too much bullshit for one sitting.  All this talk of degradation has depressed me!  I need to shop.

[1] LOL! Dude…you’re not Jay-Z! Or anyone else who’s remotely famous!

[2] Knowing he probably didn’t have to work at all that day.

[3] I’m speculating on this last one…but I’m probably correct.

15 – A Woman Doesn’t Have to Beg

16 Oct

I’m tired of men telling me A Woman Doesn’t Have to Beg.[1] That’s BULLSHIT!  I’ve been looking and I’ve been begging…and I’ve been dickless!  I’m just as equally tired of men telling me that the woman has control over when sex is had.  I believe that theory to hold partial truth…then the rest of it is just unadulterated BULLSHIT!  Here’s the way I live it…men wait for us to allow them to have sex with us the FIRST time around, and then after that…you’re a begging fool!

Women may decide when the initial occurrence of sex transpires, but men are in control of how often she gets it and IF a relationship develops.

I know that many people will disagree with me, but I am only speaking from my reality and the reality of my friends.  Some of you may even go as far to say…if all of your friends are like the one described in Don’t Go Home With a Black Girl, then no wonder.  Sure…some of you may say that…but it’s really not that simple.

I have attempted the male/female situation from all angles.  I have been the one he really wants but can’t have, the one who really wants him but can’t have him, the savior, the saved, the faithful girlfriend, the abused girlfriend, the kinky girlfriend, the compliant girlfriend, the defiant girlfriend, the one who walked in on him while he was cheating…I’ve been it all.  Now, I’m tired.  Now, all I want is a little affection from time to time…no strings attached.  I have high blood pressure…I can’t deal with the stress that the strings attached part brings.

Many of my girlfriends are confused about what it is I say I want from a man, or they just don’t believe me.  First of all, if I am going to truly consider him as a keeper…as my equal…then he’s got to have the following:

v  A career (i.e. salaried, medical, 401K, etc.)

v  Minimum of a Bachelors degree (I have a Masters and will soon have a PhD)

v  His own transportation (i.e. working vehicle)

v  His own place to live

v  Proper money management skills

v  Personal goals

v  Professional goals

v  SINGLE!!!

I have listed things that I have.  I am not expecting him to do or be anyone that I am not already.  Believe it or not, all that I’ve listed above is difficult to find in ONE man.  And I have no problem keeping it real…I am a woman with physical needs.  So, if I encounter a man who has one or two of those things…or NONE of those things…I weigh HOW he can be used.  It’s kinda like how you cut off the moldy part of the bread and throw it out, instead of throwing out the entire loaf!  LOL!  If I see that he may be utilized in the “physical pleasures” department, then I throw him in that box…but he NEVER comes out of that box…EVER!  It’s like feeding a Gizmo after midnight…bad…very bad!

And now these Gizmo ass n*&&#s are acting a fool!  Making me beg?  Making me go through hoops?  The temerity!  What is this world coming to?  I want to know why a woman, who isn’t asking for commitment, still has to beg!

[1] And I’m talking about sex…just in case you were confused!  I’m a one-track-mind! LOL!

13 – How’s Your Love Life?

13 Oct


My happily married cousin called me this weekend, only to pose the very question that has been the bane of my existence for a while lately.  She asked, “So…how’s your love life?”

Insert huge guffaw.

“What?  Aren’t you dating anyone?”

Insert maniacal laughter.

“Sure…if you want to call what I do dating.  I call it HELL!”

She laughs, sweetly, and insists that “it can’t be that bad.”  If she lived closer, I would have taken off my shoe and beat her mercilessly for making a comment like that to me…especially in this deranged state of horniness I seem to have found myself in.  She tells me all the bullshit that married friends and relatives tell single people:

v  Go to the “right” places: church, grocery store, book store, library, etc.

v  Meet through a mutual friend

v  Make yourself available

v  Don’t always do the same things

v  It will happen at the “right” time

I swear…someone hands out a pamphlet that is filled with all the bullshit lines married couples are supposed to tell single people.  It’s a ploy!  I think those married people are miserable, and they want us single folk to join their plight!  LOL!  Okay…so I’m taking it a little too far…but you get the picture.  She’s not happy.  No one can convince me that my cousin is satisfied with her overgrown, spoiled, selfish, mama’s boy of a husband!  If that’s marriage, then she can keep that shit!

I tell her about Kenneth.  I tell her about Walgreens…and the countless other dating fuck-ups I have experienced within the year.  She still seems unconvinced…as though it’s all in my head.  Then, the real kicker, I get a phone call from my mother…she informs me that cousin told her:

C: “You know, your daughter has become just like you.”

M: “How do you mean?”

C: “She’s so bitter towards men.  She has a horrible outlook on dating and it’s all your fault.”

Newsflash cuntbucket…I would rather die than admit my mother’s opinions had overtly inspired me in some fashion…so you’re WRONG (cuntbucket)!  My bitterness has been EARNED!  I earned that shit all by my lonesome!!!  Every fucktard I’ve ever encountered has his own contribution to the Why Badgirl Is Bitter list…Mom Dukes has nothing to do with it.

The nerve!

(…Assuming I’m incapable of original thought)

Boy…what would she think if she knew that I have been trolling Craigslist and AdultFriendFinder  for men?

12 – Dateless and Dickless

10 Oct


Another Friday night, where it seems like I won’t be getting fucked, is ticking away.  I’m sitting in a Starbucks, in the heart of the city, wearing a very mini mini-skirt and skank slouch boots.[1] I’m pretty positive that I will leave her tonight and return to my Miniature-Schnauzer inhabited apartment (read: lonely).  I just don’t get it!  I think my apartment may be cursed with a strict no-dick policy…the portent of no-dicks past.  It’s like I can lure them there, sometimes, at least once…then after that..fahgeddaboutit!

I moved into that place in November 2008, and since then I’ve had three newbies and three repeats…and NONE of them have been successful.  Before, when I was living in a dilapidated shack of a townhouse, I had no problem getting dick to come over…so what gives now?  Okay, so here’s how it’s played out for me over the last year.

Kenneth – Ex-girlfriend died a week before I moved, and he’s been a wacky mess ever since (understandably so…of course).  The dick has been INCONSISTENT and we stopped hanging out like we used to before I moved.  In fact, he just gave me the dating “kiss of death”…he called me TRUSTWORTHY!  If that doesn’t reek of platonic friendship, I don’t know what does!

Alex – The licker AND sticker!  Boy…do I miss him?  I’m like Pavlov’s dog when it comes to that deadly, but favorite, combination!  LOL!  The only problem with Alex…his bedside manner…YUCK!  If I never had to actually speak to him, he would have been perfect.  He came to my new place ONE time…I never heard from him again after that! L

Ronald – Yeah…Ronald…THE best sex I’ve ever had.  However, you and I both know that with mind blowing sex comes caveats!  Ronald could never keep a job past eight months, he is a two-time felon, has a son, never has money, no car, is a chronic fornicator (lol)…and…well…you get the picture.  Right?  We had a nice little arrangement going until he moved a ten hour plus drive from me L.

After moving, he was really good about keeping in contact with me…up until he came to Atlanta one hot summer night.  It was spontaneous, sensual, surreal…he was perfect!  I couldn’t believe he was REALLY in my bed…holding me…and…well…you get the picture.  The only problem was that I had him for a measly four hours.  That was not enough to satiate me, but beggars cannot be choosers…right?  And wouldn’t you know…after seeing him that night, I have not heard from him since (except once).

Vincent – I met him online.  We talked for months before actually meeting in person.  We met twice, in public, before I invited him back to my place (the cursed NEW place).  I was planning on raping him, but it didn’t quite work out that way.  The entire night was a major train wreck that ended with him yelling at me because I stopped at the drug store before going back to my place, and me telling him to fuck off.  Yeah…nice!

Walgreens – A young hot stud I found working the graveyard shift at my local Walgreens…he’s nine years my junior 🙂 !  I thought that he would make a good summer project, but we didn’t actually do the deed until about two weeks ago.  He works odd hours, which makes it difficult for us to hook up.  I stopped by the store last weekend so he could see the super hot dress I had on.  My plan was to visually entice him into asking for some more of this ass, but his response was lukewarm.  Apparently, my dress did nothing for him…he hasn’t been back to my place since our first time.  I was hoping that I would be able to get that at least once, on a weekly basis.

Jason aka “Shar Pei” – So we’ve started communicating again.  We have gone out a few times…a movie here and there…nothing serious.  Recently, during one of our conversations, he told me that I am the last person he has had sex with (ewwl); That made me feel extremely uncomfortable.  First of all, that was close to a year ago (November 2008), and secondly…the thought of doing that again with him (not that desperate).  UGH!  And yes, I am going to blame that on the damn apartment curse, too!  If Kenneth had not been acting like a frigid little wench, then I never would have felt compelled to go out with him!

So…there it is.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!  It’s the apartment!

[1] I may as well walk around with a price tag on my forehead.  Can I be any more transparent?

11 – More Match Madness…But Nothin’ a Little Shag Can’t Cure!

7 Jul

shag notice

So, after my “eventful” date with Mr. MBA…I decide to venture off on a night of tried-and-true fun.  I called Kenneth and asked him if he had already seen Transformers.  Seeing as how it was only released twelve hours before I asked him, I figured that some other bimbo had not beaten me to the punch.  So my Thursday evening was spent in high contrast to my Wednesday evening…laughing, joking, eating, drinking, shagging.[1]

In fact, that was the night of MJ’s death, and Kenneth and I had a talk about loneliness and how much it sucks.  He even mentioned being ready to “settle down” soon.  I found that statement hilarious…seeing as how he was sitting there, with me…and not with whomever he deems “settling down” material.  Although, knowing him, she’s somewhere close by.  See, Kenneth and I have been doing this “thing” for about three years now.  Last October, his “roommate” (read: GIRLFRIEND of twelve years) died suddenly[2], and I was momentarily rendered retarded by the event.  He leaned on me for emotional consolation[3], and I thought, for the blink of an eye…that he would choose me.

I’m over that now.  I know better.[4]

So, I was recovering from my Match Madness and beginning to embark upon another journey…down the road to perdition!  LOL!  A new guy contacted me.  He looked mama’s boy/latent gay/church boy on his profile.  I thought that that could be what I needed…someone to anchor my free-spirited waywardness.  The Latent Gay called me every day, and sometimes even TWICE a day.  He often texted me while he was at work.  We shared our hopes and dreams, while eagerly anticipating the climactic moment of our physical meeting.

I was nervous because Latent gay had not posted any full body shots of himself…nor did he offer.  I did not have any full body shots of myself, however, I did ask Latent Gay if he wanted me to email a full body to him.  He said that he didn’t care about all of that.  He said the most important thing was our ability to communicate.  I was beginning to like him more each day.

So…”D-Day,” we met at a central place in the city.  He had to drive an hour and a half to reach the city, but he said he didn’t mind.  He said he was always in the city.  He even hinted at picking me up, but I told him that coming to my place would add another thirty minutes to his drive.[5] He put the activities of the evening in my hands, and I chose a place where several events were occurring at one time.  There is a bowling alley/lounge, movie theater, restaurant/sports bar, and several places to eat in this one location.  I told him that we could meet and then decide what to do.  He was adamant about pinpointing a time and a “thing” to do, so he called me back and said The Hangover was playing at 6:30pm.

So that’s what we did.  We saw a movie.  With the warmth of a cactus, he gave me a hug…told me how GREAT it was to finally meet me…and that he would call once he made it home.  Well, he did call, but he was not at home.  I heard loud voices and music in the background.  He said he made it home and had a wonderful evening.

I never heard from him again.

I went salsa dancing.

[1] In no particular order…but the shagging part was my absolute fav! J

[2] No, he did not kill her!  It was a blood clot in the lung.  She was only twenty-nine.  Very sad.

[3] In fact, called me the day she died and had me sit with him until his parents could make it to his apartment.  It was a six hour wait.

[4] But it still feels like a gigantic cleaver in the heart, regardless!

[5] Okay…so I exaggerated!  I didn’t know him, and I don’t allow strangers access to the location of my home.