13 – How’s Your Love Life?

13 Oct

disaster

My happily married cousin called me this weekend, only to pose the very question that has been the bane of my existence for a while lately.  She asked, “So…how’s your love life?”

Insert huge guffaw.

“What?  Aren’t you dating anyone?”

Insert maniacal laughter.

“Sure…if you want to call what I do dating.  I call it HELL!”

She laughs, sweetly, and insists that “it can’t be that bad.”  If she lived closer, I would have taken off my shoe and beat her mercilessly for making a comment like that to me…especially in this deranged state of horniness I seem to have found myself in.  She tells me all the bullshit that married friends and relatives tell single people:

v  Go to the “right” places: church, grocery store, book store, library, etc.

v  Meet through a mutual friend

v  Make yourself available

v  Don’t always do the same things

v  It will happen at the “right” time

I swear…someone hands out a pamphlet that is filled with all the bullshit lines married couples are supposed to tell single people.  It’s a ploy!  I think those married people are miserable, and they want us single folk to join their plight!  LOL!  Okay…so I’m taking it a little too far…but you get the picture.  She’s not happy.  No one can convince me that my cousin is satisfied with her overgrown, spoiled, selfish, mama’s boy of a husband!  If that’s marriage, then she can keep that shit!

I tell her about Kenneth.  I tell her about Walgreens…and the countless other dating fuck-ups I have experienced within the year.  She still seems unconvinced…as though it’s all in my head.  Then, the real kicker, I get a phone call from my mother…she informs me that cousin told her:

C: “You know, your daughter has become just like you.”

M: “How do you mean?”

C: “She’s so bitter towards men.  She has a horrible outlook on dating and it’s all your fault.”

Newsflash cuntbucket…I would rather die than admit my mother’s opinions had overtly inspired me in some fashion…so you’re WRONG (cuntbucket)!  My bitterness has been EARNED!  I earned that shit all by my lonesome!!!  Every fucktard I’ve ever encountered has his own contribution to the Why Badgirl Is Bitter list…Mom Dukes has nothing to do with it.

The nerve!

(…Assuming I’m incapable of original thought)

Boy…what would she think if she knew that I have been trolling Craigslist and AdultFriendFinder  for men?

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