Tag Archives: friends with benefits

16 – Allow Me to Dig Deep within my Bag O’ Bullshit…

18 Oct

BS bag

Today’s bag o’ bullshit is filled with the degrading tales men tell!

It’s degrading to perpetually text a man, asking him to come over and have sex, and he makes excuses like “I’m at the recording studio”[1] or “I’m just getting your text.  I was sleeping.  On my way to work now.”[2] And it’s even more disconcerting when you confront said fucktard by telling him that you “get it,” and you can see he was only in it for a one-timer…and he replies with “That’s not it at all!  I never got your texts because I was sleeping.”  WTF?  Why can’t men just be honest when you bring the honesty to them first?  FUCKIN A!

It’s degrading for an old time flame of nine years ago, to find you on Facbook, call you and say “We should get together for drinks sometime!”  Then, he calls…two weeks later…on a Friday night…at 6:30pm.  After-thought much?  Yeah…I didn’t answer that.  I texted him today (Sunday) with something light like “That’s what’s wrong with people today!  They call and don’t leave messages!  LOL!”  He responds with, “I figured if you wanted to talk to me you would.”  I told him that I was out when he called.  He said, “I just wanted to see if you wanted to have a drink that day…you know I will keep showing you love.”  UGH!  Annoying!  Annoying for these reasons (1) I am not important enough to PLAN an outing with, (2) He didn’t leave a fucking message, (3) He could have made plans with me when I texted him today…I am an obvious after-thought.  Why bother?!  Newsflash buddy…you’re not cute enough to do shit like that AND you’re dick ain’t big enough for you to call spur of the moment! …I know it didn’t grow any bigger over the past eight years!!!!

It’s also degrading to have your lover/FWB of three years ask you to (1) drive him to the airport so he can go on a cruise with another woman, (2) allow him to leave his work car at your place while he’s away on said cruise, (3) go to his place and check on his two cats because they get lonely, (4) to text you that he’s back in town but not come collect all the shit he’s left at your place because some woman has driven back with him from Miami and he doesn’t want the two of you to meet,[3] and (5) him giving you a “Thank you” card for “being such a great FRIEND!”  LOL!  So, I guess the writing is on the wall…and in the card…whatever we were, ain’t no more!

Okay…I’m done for now; Too much bullshit for one sitting.  All this talk of degradation has depressed me!  I need to shop.

[1] LOL! Dude…you’re not Jay-Z! Or anyone else who’s remotely famous!

[2] Knowing he probably didn’t have to work at all that day.

[3] I’m speculating on this last one…but I’m probably correct.


3-Birthday Sex

6 May

While it may not be important to some women, it is DEAL BREAKER in my book; Birthday Sex!  First of all, let me get this out of the way immediately…I love sex, but I love it most with a partner who can match my level of sensuality.  I’m not into the Rabbit Bang or any other narcissistic passing off as sex.  I don’t just want sex, I want GOOD SEX!  Mouthwatering  Sex!

Seeing as how I have no prospects…I will have to settle with reminiscing about the BEST SEX I’ve ever had.  He no longer lives in this state, and his name is Ronald.  LOL!  How funny is that?  Ronald sounds like someone with a stick wedged deeply into the crevice of his ass crack…but not this Ronald…boy, oh, boy…not THIS Ronald.  And the irony is that before he moved, I took his good sex for granted.  I wish he still lived here, now that I’ve come into my thirties (you know…sexual pique thing and all).  I really would like to rehearse  with him a bit more;-)

So I never pushed the envelope with FWB because I could never “size” him up.  I looked at his hands, his VERY average height, his shoe size, medium frame, and concluded that the package really could not be stuff fireworks are made of.  Also, I took into account that Ronald, even after three years of “goings on,” could not keep his hands off of me for longer than five minutes.  FWB had the resolve of Mother Teresa…so I thought either he was latent homosexual or had a small dick!

Oh goodness…I believe I’m drifting…wasn’t I supposed to be talking about birthday sex?

Yes!  Okay, well, my point is…if Ronald were here, I know that I would be having enough birthday sex to last a lifetime.  But, seeing as how, even after his grand move, he has fallen into his old patterns…he is unable to afford a plane ticket to fly down here and give me some of the best birthday sex ever!

So, now I’m stuck with FWB…UGH!!!  While he certainly has a nice package, he really can make a girl like me want to commit herself to the looney bin!!!  I NEED BIRTHDAY SEX, DAMNIT!!!!!