Last night I went out. It was a co-worker’s birthday, and I believe that the celebration of my upcoming birthday was just a sidebar added on the invitations. I threw my back out last weekend (and I know what you’re thinking, and I WISH that were the reason) and I’m still on the mend. Truth be told, the last two weeks have been hellish…something akin to me landing on an island where men past the age of fifty roam the dunes, naked, with nothing but their wrinkly penises blowing in the breeze (UGH…a nightmare for me). I mean, I’ve suffered worse, but I view it as a premonition of the disaster possibly lurking around the corner for my swiftly approaching birthday.
Tuesday, Two Weeks Ago
- I didn’t hear the alarm and was two hours late to work.
- While driving 90mph, on a major interstate, my car completely shuts off.
- I pay $64.00 to reinstate my AAA membership.
- I wait, in the 4:00PM heat, for a AAA guy…while parked on the shoulder of the interstate. Did I mention that the temperature was set on HELL?
- The first AAA guy tries to swindle me. I send him packing…call for another AAA guy.
- Pay $60.00 for a fucking tow! …Could have spent that money on a hot, male escort to…well…escort me… 😉
- Left my car at PepBoys overnight. 😦
Wednesday, Two Weeks Ago
- Couldn’t go to work because I had no car, and I live thirty-five miles from work.
- Rode in a pimped out, white, all leather interior, Lincoln Navigator, of which doubled as a taxi.
- Paid $200.00 to have a battery replaced in 2007 vehicle.
Thursday, Two Weeks Ago
- Fucking alarm was reset for a different time, so I woke up LATE AGAIN!
- Locked my keys in the car (I have NEVER done that in my entire life).
- Had two ex-gang members (I teach high school) attempt to break into my car for me…they said that my type of car is too difficult to break into. Hondas are the easiest (FYI all Honda owners).
- The shop teacher eventually got in.
- My FWB called to tell me that he was back from his family vacation (read: Don’t come and check on my cats tonight because I will probably be fucking some other girl) and did not make any plans to see me until Monday.
- No sex…what else is there to say?
*** I’m getting to the sex texting part…REALLY J
Friday, Two Weeks Ago
- I called my student loans debtors and they told me that I owed them $20,000.00 and that I would be garnished if I did not begin to pay it back.
- Won’t be able to move and attend the Ph.D. I’ve been accepted into if I don’t get that money!
- I attended a salsa dancing convention and threw my back out after three dances.
Saturday, Sunday, and Monday – Last Week
- Went to the chiropractor (Saturday and vMonday) and spent $30.00 co-pay EACH time!
- Sat around smelling like my grandmother – ode de menthol
- Didn’t go to work…couldn’t stand up straight.
- My FWB hung out with me. Watched the Laker’s game.
- No sex!
Tuesday, Last Week
- Left work early to see the chiropractor. I spent another $30.00 on a co-pay.
- Still in pain…still smelled like menthol.
Wednesday, Last Week
- Left work early to see a medical doctor. I spent another $30.00 on a co-pay!
- Blood pressure 160/100 (not normal), and the twit who took my BP didn’t find it important enough to address.
- Got a muscle relaxer prescription for $75.00
Thursday, Last Week
- No work…too much pain!
Friday, Last Week
…Brings us up-to-date…So, I’m at this club with my co-workers…too doped up on muscle relaxers and pain killers to really act an ass like I want to. I see someone I think is kinda fine, a hot little brown skinned number. I soon realize that, of course, he doesn’t play for my team. I chuckle because one of my girlfriends always teases me about my attraction to gay men…I’ve tried to explain to her that they are METROSEXUAL and NOT GAY! LOL!
I dance a song or two with my jovial friend, and I know that I looked like a corpse that was propped up with a stick up its ass! I called myself trying to dance the taunt muscles in my lower back into a limber submission. I think you know how that worked out…yeah…I left directly after that freak show. Besides, the DJ started to play all the baby-making favorites of the 90s: Bump N Grind Remix, Body Rockin Knockin Da Boots, Anniversary, Scandalous…well, hell, you get the picture. By that time, I think I may have knocked an old man over the head and climbed on top…that’s how heated I was getting (and you know how vehemently I abhor old, wrinkly penises).
I began scrolling through my phone for potential booty calls:
- Al – Nope…never got that, and I’m not bold enough to call at midnight and ask for it.
- Alex – Nope…haven’t had that in ever. What I look like calling five months later? Too bad cuz he licks and sticks…a rare combination these days!
- David – Hell Naw! Old school sexy…enough said! (Old men give you worms)
- Jason – Not THAT desperate yet…he’s on the cuddly side, and I really tried to be into him. He was so sweet. Too bad he looked like a Shar Pei when he got naked. One time was enough for me!
- Kenneth – I’m not calling his ass tonight! He’s my “sometimey” FWB. I want nothing more than to ride over to his apartment, walk in his bedroom (seeing as how I do have a key), strip away his bed sheets, and…well…you know the rest 😉
- Malcolm – Nope…brotha lives far, like almost in another country far! And…when I get there, he’s always drinking a damn 40 ounce and is too far gone to keep it hard. Oh…and the kicker, he’s thirty-three years old and lives in a damn remolded remodeled garage. The renovations were performed by Sewer Water, Inc.
- Raymond – Nope…an Ex who is just really a friend now. Too bad, cuz he has got the juiciest cock I’ve seen in a while! It’s HUGE, too…and the poor dear is too frigid to let mama show him how to REALLY use it. I think he threw the instructions away when he took it out the box! LOL!
- Tyrone – Another old school sexy…older than the first old school sexy and suspected of being “He who wields the wee wee-wee.” That’s a definite hell no on the double!
Then, to add insult to injury, I am electronically assaulted by an Ex who lives two states away. Lately, he has been waiting until after midnight to text me. The conversations usually go something like this:
Brandon: Hey Sexy Lady…U up?
(GROAN) It’s not from Kenneth, which pisses me off.
Me: Yeah
B: Are u out paryting? Party Girl
UGH! Who says that? Party Girl? Lame!
M: No. Just got home. What r u doing?
I ask, but I really don’t care because the bottom line is that he lives a gazillion miles away and cannot get to my place within 15 minutes with his mouth shut and pants down. No, I’m not this objectifying of all men…just the ones I think are dickweeds.
B: Lying in bed chillen
Okay. I know where this is headed…Lamesville, USA. At least it is grammatically correct; Lie for people and lay for things…I’m a nerd…So what?
* Well, shit…I just don’t respond to that because I don’t have the energy. So when I don’t respond, he texts:
B: I got a jones in my bones
Here it comes…reference to a useless ass hard-on! I can’t use it!
M: For…
I really DON’T want to know the answer to that.
B: Boom Chicka Wow Wow
And yes…his lame ass really did take the time to TEXT that shit to me! Fucking idiot!
*I don’t respond to that one either.
B: So…you got a bday coming up
M: Don’t remind me
Maybe he’s taking the hint that I don’t want to sex text with someone who is not within 15 minutes of knocking on my front door.
B: Sounds like somebody needs a good tongue lashing!
Yeah, I’m going to bed now. I lay my phone on the nightstand next to my bed…I’m going to allow him to text himself into an orgasm without me! I fall asleep dreaming of the time in my life when I had all sorts of beautiful boys at my disposal (sigh)…to sleep, perchance to dream (William Shakespeare)!
I really hope that all this past bullshit isn’t a precursor to my birthday!
Okay…sleepytime…
The Ex Factor 