Tag Archives: women

15 – A Woman Doesn’t Have to Beg

16 Oct

I’m tired of men telling me A Woman Doesn’t Have to Beg.[1] That’s BULLSHIT!  I’ve been looking and I’ve been begging…and I’ve been dickless!  I’m just as equally tired of men telling me that the woman has control over when sex is had.  I believe that theory to hold partial truth…then the rest of it is just unadulterated BULLSHIT!  Here’s the way I live it…men wait for us to allow them to have sex with us the FIRST time around, and then after that…you’re a begging fool!

Women may decide when the initial occurrence of sex transpires, but men are in control of how often she gets it and IF a relationship develops.

I know that many people will disagree with me, but I am only speaking from my reality and the reality of my friends.  Some of you may even go as far to say…if all of your friends are like the one described in Don’t Go Home With a Black Girl, then no wonder.  Sure…some of you may say that…but it’s really not that simple.

I have attempted the male/female situation from all angles.  I have been the one he really wants but can’t have, the one who really wants him but can’t have him, the savior, the saved, the faithful girlfriend, the abused girlfriend, the kinky girlfriend, the compliant girlfriend, the defiant girlfriend, the one who walked in on him while he was cheating…I’ve been it all.  Now, I’m tired.  Now, all I want is a little affection from time to time…no strings attached.  I have high blood pressure…I can’t deal with the stress that the strings attached part brings.

Many of my girlfriends are confused about what it is I say I want from a man, or they just don’t believe me.  First of all, if I am going to truly consider him as a keeper…as my equal…then he’s got to have the following:

v  A career (i.e. salaried, medical, 401K, etc.)

v  Minimum of a Bachelors degree (I have a Masters and will soon have a PhD)

v  His own transportation (i.e. working vehicle)

v  His own place to live

v  Proper money management skills

v  Personal goals

v  Professional goals

v  SINGLE!!!

I have listed things that I have.  I am not expecting him to do or be anyone that I am not already.  Believe it or not, all that I’ve listed above is difficult to find in ONE man.  And I have no problem keeping it real…I am a woman with physical needs.  So, if I encounter a man who has one or two of those things…or NONE of those things…I weigh HOW he can be used.  It’s kinda like how you cut off the moldy part of the bread and throw it out, instead of throwing out the entire loaf!  LOL!  If I see that he may be utilized in the “physical pleasures” department, then I throw him in that box…but he NEVER comes out of that box…EVER!  It’s like feeding a Gizmo after midnight…bad…very bad!

And now these Gizmo ass n*&&#s are acting a fool!  Making me beg?  Making me go through hoops?  The temerity!  What is this world coming to?  I want to know why a woman, who isn’t asking for commitment, still has to beg!

[1] And I’m talking about sex…just in case you were confused!  I’m a one-track-mind! LOL!


2 – Adventures of the Midnight Sex Texter

3 May


Last night I went out.  It was a co-worker’s birthday, and I believe that the celebration of my upcoming birthday was just a sidebar added on the invitations.  I threw my back out last weekend (and I know what you’re thinking, and I WISH that were the reason) and I’m still on the mend.   Truth be told, the last two weeks have been hellish…something akin to me landing on an island where men past the age of fifty roam the dunes, naked, with nothing but their wrinkly penises blowing in the breeze (UGH…a nightmare for me).  I mean, I’ve suffered worse, but I view it as a premonition of the disaster possibly lurking around the corner for my swiftly approaching birthday.

Tuesday, Two Weeks Ago

  1. I didn’t hear the alarm and was two hours late to work.
  2. While driving 90mph, on a major interstate, my car completely shuts off.
  3. I pay $64.00 to reinstate my AAA membership.
  4. I wait, in the 4:00PM heat, for a AAA guy…while parked on the shoulder of the interstate. Did I mention that the temperature was set on HELL?
  5. The first AAA guy tries to swindle me.  I send him packing…call for another AAA guy.
  6. Pay $60.00 for a fucking tow!  …Could have spent that money on a hot, male escort to…well…escort me… 😉
  7. Left my car at PepBoys overnight. 😦

Wednesday, Two Weeks Ago

  1. Couldn’t go to work because I had no car, and I live thirty-five miles from work.
  2. Rode in a pimped out, white, all leather interior, Lincoln Navigator, of which doubled as a taxi.
  3. Paid $200.00 to have a battery replaced in 2007 vehicle.

Thursday, Two Weeks Ago

  1. Fucking alarm was reset for a different time, so I woke up LATE AGAIN!
  2. Locked my keys in the car (I have NEVER done that in my entire life).
  3. Had two ex-gang members (I teach high school) attempt to break into my car for me…they said that my type of car is too difficult to break into.  Hondas are the easiest (FYI all Honda owners).
  4. The shop teacher eventually got in.
  5. My FWB called to tell me that he was back from his family vacation (read: Don’t come and check on my cats tonight because I will probably be fucking some other girl) and did not make any plans to see me until Monday.
  6. No sex…what else is there to say?

*** I’m getting to the sex texting part…REALLY J

Friday, Two Weeks Ago

  1. I called my student loans debtors and they told me that I owed them $20,000.00 and that I would be garnished if I did not begin to pay it back.
  2. Won’t be able to move and attend the Ph.D. I’ve been accepted into if I don’t get that money!
  3. I attended a salsa dancing convention and threw my back out after three dances.

Saturday, Sunday, and Monday – Last Week

  1. Went to the chiropractor (Saturday and vMonday)  and spent $30.00 co-pay EACH time!
  2. Sat around smelling like my grandmother – ode de menthol
  3. Didn’t go to work…couldn’t stand up straight.
  4. My FWB hung out with me.  Watched the Laker’s game.
  5. No sex!

Tuesday, Last Week

  1. Left work early to see the chiropractor.  I spent another $30.00 on a co-pay.
  2. Still in pain…still smelled like menthol.

Wednesday, Last Week

  1. Left work early to see a medical doctor.  I spent another $30.00 on a co-pay!
  2. Blood pressure 160/100 (not normal), and the twit who took my BP didn’t find it important enough to address.
  3. Got a muscle relaxer prescription for $75.00

Thursday, Last Week

  1. No work…too much pain!

Friday, Last Week

…Brings us up-to-date…So, I’m at this club with my co-workers…too doped up on muscle relaxers and pain killers to really act an ass like I want to.  I see someone I think is kinda fine, a hot little brown skinned number.  I soon realize that, of course, he doesn’t play for my team.  I chuckle because one of my girlfriends always teases me about my attraction to gay men…I’ve tried to explain to her that they are METROSEXUAL and NOT GAY!  LOL!

I dance a song or two with my jovial friend, and I know that I looked like a corpse that was propped up with a stick up its ass!  I called myself trying to dance the taunt muscles in my lower back into a limber submission.  I think you know how that worked out…yeah…I left directly after that freak show.  Besides, the DJ started to play all the baby-making favorites of the 90s: Bump N Grind Remix, Body Rockin Knockin Da Boots, Anniversary, Scandalous…well, hell, you get the picture.  By that time, I think I may have knocked an old man over the head and climbed on top…that’s how heated I was getting (and you know how vehemently I abhor old, wrinkly penises).

I began scrolling through my phone for potential booty calls:

  1. Al – Nope…never got that, and I’m not bold enough to call at midnight and ask for it.
  2. Alex – Nope…haven’t had that in ever.  What I look like calling five months later?  Too bad cuz he licks and sticks…a rare combination these days!
  3. David – Hell Naw!  Old school sexy…enough said! (Old men give you worms)
  4. Jason – Not THAT desperate yet…he’s on the cuddly side, and I really tried to be into him.  He was so sweet.  Too bad he looked like a Shar Pei when he got naked.  One time was enough for me!
  5. Kenneth – I’m not calling his ass tonight!  He’s my “sometimey” FWB.  I want nothing more than to ride over to his apartment, walk in his bedroom (seeing as how I do have a key), strip away his bed sheets, and…well…you know the rest 😉
  6. Malcolm – Nope…brotha lives far, like almost in another country far!  And…when I get there, he’s always drinking a damn 40 ounce and is too far gone to keep it hard.  Oh…and the kicker, he’s thirty-three years old and lives in a damn remolded remodeled garage.  The renovations were performed by Sewer Water, Inc.
  7. Raymond – Nope…an Ex who is just really a friend now.  Too bad, cuz he has got the juiciest cock I’ve seen in a while!  It’s HUGE, too…and the poor dear is too frigid to let mama show him how to REALLY use it.  I think he threw the instructions away when he took it out the box! LOL!
  8. Tyrone – Another old school sexy…older than the first old school sexy and suspected of being “He who wields the wee wee-wee.”  That’s a definite hell no on the double!

Then, to add insult to injury, I am electronically assaulted by an Ex who lives two states away.  Lately, he has been waiting until after midnight to text me.  The conversations usually go something like this:

Brandon: Hey Sexy Lady…U up?

(GROAN) It’s not from Kenneth, which pisses me off.

Me: Yeah

B: Are u out paryting? Party Girl

UGH! Who says that?  Party Girl?  Lame!

M: No.  Just got home.  What r u doing?

I ask, but I really don’t care because the bottom line is that he lives a gazillion miles away and cannot get to my place within 15 minutes with his mouth shut and pants down.  No, I’m not this objectifying of all men…just the ones I think are dickweeds.

B: Lying in bed chillen

Okay.  I know where this is headed…Lamesville, USA.  At least it is grammatically correct; Lie for people and lay for things…I’m a nerd…So what?

* Well, shit…I just don’t respond to that because I don’t have the energy.  So when I don’t respond, he texts:

B: I got a jones in my bones

Here it comes…reference to a useless ass hard-on!  I can’t use it!

M: For…

I really DON’T want to know the answer to that.

B: Boom Chicka Wow Wow

And yes…his lame ass really did take the time to TEXT that shit to me!  Fucking idiot!

*I don’t respond to that one either.

B: So…you got a bday coming up

M: Don’t remind me

Maybe he’s taking the hint that I don’t want to sex text with someone who is not within 15 minutes of knocking on my front door.

B: Sounds like somebody needs a good tongue lashing!

Yeah, I’m going to bed now.  I lay my phone on the nightstand next to my bed…I’m going to allow him to text himself into an orgasm without me!  I fall asleep dreaming of the time in my life when I had all sorts of beautiful boys at my disposal (sigh)…to sleep, perchance to dream (William Shakespeare)!

I really hope that all this past bullshit isn’t a precursor to my birthday!


1 – The Wielding of the Mythical Beast

1 May


So, a friend of mine suggested that I create a list that names all the attributes I want in a mate…and then this mythical beast should appear sometime before the all the eggs in my uterus fizzle and dry out like an old ass Jheri Curl.  My faith is not completely invested in the ability of a piece of paper to herald forth the man of my dreams…it’s reminiscent of making a list addressed to Santa Claus’s home at the North Pole (really?).

But I feel like I’m at the end of my rope, and most people who find themselves there hang themselves…and I’m really not into that sort of thing.  As of late, I have been receiving S.O.S. smoke signals from ex-boyfriends (groan).  They have found me on various networking websites (the internet is evil).  I am becoming quite annoyed with the walks down memory lane because what I am discovering is that these fucking idiots have not grown-up in the least bit (read: Arrested Development), and they are in search of a conversation with a GIRL I have not been for at least a decade (groan)!  And believe you me, I will tell you all about the ex factors…WARNING: it’s tragic.

  1. Physical Attributes
  1. Tall – 6’0”
  2. Attractive (to me)

c. HUNG 😉 – Okay, so I’m not going to fake the funk…size DOES matter!  Don’t get it twisted! I can teach him the rest!

d. Race not important.  I’ve reached the conclusion that I may have to give up on Black men 😦 …Sad but true!

e. In shape – I don’t like plump, pudgy, or cuddly…sorry L

f. Between the ages of 28-38 (I’m not particularly fond of old school sexy or men with Social Security checks)

  1. Career/Personal Goals
  1. College Educated (4 year degree preferably…I will be starting a Ph.D. program, so I don’t need anyone who is easily intimidated)
  2. Succinct career path (Read: working as a bag boy, at the tender age of 30, will not cut it…no drug dealers, hustlers, etc.)
  3. Sets short and long term goals for himself
  4. Follows through on said goals
  5. Has his own place to live (and I’m not talking about a room in his mama’s house, his cousin’s couch, or his baby mama’s bed)
  6. Has his own transportation (doesn’t have to be a Mercedes or BMW…just something that doesn’t require a schedule or ME having to go pick his sorry ass up)
  1. Personality
  1. Witty
  2. Gets my humor
  3. Laid back
  4. Knows when to take the lead and when to back off
  5. Respects his mother
  6. Is accustomed to hard work and working for a goal
  7. Open minded
  8. Honest
  9. Monogamous
  10. Dependable
  11. Ready for commitment
  12. Will share the responsibility of housework
  13. Disease free (self-explanatory…I don’t want my pussy falling out)
  14. Addiction free (it is so unattractive to smoke cigarettes, weed, drink a 40 everyday, etc.)
  1. Spirituality
  1. Spiritually minded (no religious fanatics need apply)
  2. Understands the difference between religion and spirituality
  3. Is accepting/respectful of my spiritual beliefs

Okay, so this is my list so far…it may expand over time.  It usually gets a bit longer every time I go out on a date with someone new…Imagine that!  I’m not sure one man has all of the ingrediants I’ve listed above…in fact, I don’t think that such a mythical beast exists!  I think I may have to settle with Mr. Sunsational 😉